The Red Pram
When my son was born some years ago my self awareness went on a steep learning curve. This new life arrived and reflected back to me so much that was wonderful and at times not so great about myself! One simple example of the ‘not so great’ stuff involved a red pram.
Soon after my son’s birth we bought a pram – a large red one that could also be adjusted into a seat or buggy. It was not cheap! Anyway, he loved it and my partner took him everywhere in it. When it inevitably came to me taking him out in the pram I suddenly noticed some resistance inside me. I did not want to do it. This resistance surprised me – here was a supposedly self-aware, mature, intelligent adult male refusing in his head to be seen in public pushing a pram.
The voice in my head was telling me that I would look stupid and weak. Not doing it was not an option however. I would have to take him out in the pram sooner or later. So out I went pushing the pram with one hand in my pocket and the other on the side of the pram handle trying to appear relaxed and indifferent, while inside I was listening to that voice in my head laughing at me as if I was walking through the town naked singing Mr Blue Sky (by ELO).
Eventually I challenged the internal madness, got over my self consciousness and embraced the pram. I was able to do this once I could see what was causing the resistance in me and realise that it was complete crap. The fact that I felt this way at all was a shock, I truly believed I was more evolved that that – amazing how arrogance can be so blinding.
This was a stark reminder of just how insidious that negative voice in the head can be, if I was to let it completely control me, give my power over to it entirely I would now be living under a duvet in my bedroom, smoking 40 cigs a day, guzzling a couple of bottles of wine daily and be easily 30+ stone overweight. That voice in my head is terrified of everything, it wants a safe and easy existence and its sole purpose is to get me to follow it unquestionably into a cocoon of fear and familiar misery.
This is why it takes effort at times to simply get out of bed some days and other times, when I am doing what I love, the voice is gone or silent. Either way, I need to remember that I always have the choice to either listen to it and believe it or ignore it and get on with what I enjoy doing. Knowing that everything it says is as far from the truth as anyone can get is good to remember, and if I could manifest the negative voice into an individual who was standing in front of me today I would tell him to shut up and exit my life for ever. I cannot do that unfortunately, but I can see it for what it is and treat it accordingly. Ignore it and focus on the positive, on my heart’s desire, on the pleasures and beauty in life, on my son and that big red pram that he can still sit in for walks, I choose what I focus on and today I focus on writing about this to expose it more, rather than keep it to myself in my head.
I am not and never will be that voice in my head, it never speaks truth and it knows nothing about life. See it for what it is, live your life and prove it wrong. My (and yours) heart longs to be listened to all day every day.